Mom, You Always Were The Perfect Fan

Hi everyone. I've been meaning to blog because I have so many things to talk about, but I've been going through the hardest time in my life so far. Those of you who read my blog and who are my friends probably know that my mom was in very poor health with breathing complications. Sadly, she passed away in December after fighting COPD and emphysema that caused respiratory failure. I'm glad she is no longer suffering and in pain anymore, but I miss her. I was fortunate enough to be with her during her last moments and I'm so thankful for that because I think that's how we both would have wanted it. It's tough for me to write about this, but at the same time it's therapeutic.

So I've been busy taking care of all the planning and everything else that needed to be taken care of and I'm still not done. Having to do this barely gives a person a time to grieve, but part of me doesn't like to think about it and instead pretend that she'll be back home. I know it hasn't sunk in 100 percent yet, but maybe that's a good thing. I find it's one of those situations where you try to avoid thinking about it.

A lot of things have changed at home too. It is so strange to not have my mom around and now my dad because he is in a nursing home for his multiple sclerosis. Because I had to take care of them, that is the main reason why I stayed home with them and didn't find my own place...so my living arrangements might change soon as well. My brother has been supportive through all of this as best as he could I'm sure and I'm thankful he is around. We still have our brother and sister arguments though lol.

A lot of my friends, both BSB friends and not, have been very supportive and it has helped me have faith in humanity. My co-workers, who I consider friends, know that BSB can lift my spirits to no end and ended up cheering me up by putting pictures of me and Nick up around my desk at work. This was so thoughtful and definitely helped me feel a little better. I am definitely known as the BSB fanatic at work and proud of it lol. This really touched my heart :)

Honestly, my mom and I had both good and bad times. I think most of the bad times were towards the end because she was in pain and because our relationship went from mother and daughter to caregiver and patient. Despite having our disagreements, I know we both understood we loved each other and I knew she stuck it out for me so long because she was worried about me and how things would be without her. Every child and parent have their good and bad moments and I'm choosing to focus on all the good times we had together before she became ill and I'm trying to hang in there despite all the hardships. My mom kept the Backstreet pride alive and came to some BSB concerts with me. Howie was her favorite.

Mom and I keeping the Backstreet pride alive with our BSB temporary tattoos for the Black and Blue Tour in Tinley Park, IL at the First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre. 9/22/01.

I really needed BSB, Nick, and their music to get me through 2014 and these past couple of hard years. I'm hoping 2015 will be better.

This blog post is dedicated to my mom cause you always were the perfect fan. Love you and miss you.